1.

Noong segundo ng pagkakapatay sa kaniya, sa pagitan ng pagputok at pagbaon ng bala, hinugot ako mula sa aking sarili paloob sa kalooban kong hindi ko matiyak kung bahagi pa ng sarili.

At sa loob noon: tahimik, masikip, malungkot.

2.

Naramdaman ko ang sariling nais kumawala, nais huminga, nais may kausapin. Ngunit para sabihin ang ano? Na may mga bagay akong hindi matanggap, na naniniwala akong walang taong pinipiling maging masama, na karapatan ng lahat ang maduwag?

Na sa labas ng bintana, tumitila na ang ulan, kung kailan maraming-maraming kailangan mahugasan?

3.

Nanatili akong tahimik dahil sumisigaw na ang buong mundo at kung walang makikinig, saan pa pupunta ang mga namamagang tinig na iyon? Ngayon, tinatanggap ko na ang kabiguan kong lumunok ng damdamin at hayaang umalingawngaw ito palabas ng aking lalamunan bilang pakikiramay. May kamay akong nais abutin. May mga mata akong nais tingnan. Ngunit wala, wala akong maihahaing salita.

4.

Noong gabing iyon, maraming bagay ang nabasag. Marahan kong pinupulot ang mga bubog: dugo, maso, putok, patak, ilaw, usok, bakal, bangkay.

5.

Marami pang naiwan.

This way to the moon

You said, let me look up
and pray the prayers of my childhood.

I say, let me burn in your throat
instead.

This is the way to the moon.

To build landmarks,
you will say, I want to say something
that you'll agree with.

I watch the smoke from your lips
rise like a prayer. I agree.

That we'll fight over
beer and reconcile over the last star
of morning,

I will respond. (Thinking
about the sun. Too late.)

We will definitely get lost.
I hope.

Once, we turned on spaces
when we had nothing
to talk about.

You hand me a piece of paper,
beer-stained. Let me tell you,
you begin. I face the same space

some sound of the wind
is trying to occupy.

Let me tell you again,
your silence pieces
things together
better than my words.

The wind is talking to my skin.
I hear an echo, somewhere.

We're nearing the moon. Here.
The first men

to see the moon did not see
faces, I proposed. They said nothing.

The first woman saw
a womb. Words are still being
born in this poem, you wrote.

I look at everything else. Home.

We are getting somewhere
fast. We have no ride back.

Look, the moon is not moving
despite ripples on your glass.

How I get to where you are

stars, streetlights, lampposts, nights, waves,
windows, flowers, leaves, people
who get along, people who are with other people,
clocks, universes, cups, papers, poems, trains,
lists, knives, grandmothers, mothers, touch,
pins, hair, coats, their pockets, coins, smoke,
hands, fingers, bodies, clouds, electric wires,
cities, maps, geographies, biographies, faces
of the moon, prologues, epilogues, clothes,
closets, books, pages, petals, minds, t-shirts,
songs, guitars, pianos, instruments, breath,
storms, stairs, staircases, skirts,
things that have no names, butterflies,
moths, ladybugs, memories, light bulbs, night
lights, kisses, glasses, sadnesses,
eyes, tears, laughter, tongues, tribes,
nations, flags, letters, lovers, poets, their lives, disarranged
furniture, oceans, landscapes,
grass, trees, their fruits, ants, spiders, existence,
footprints, blood, wounds, scars, their afterforms, blanks,
readers, reactions, bags, birds,
feathers, fireworks, scrap paper, fire, skies, lots, empty
lots, houses, streets, cement, floor, bathrooms, stones,
clenched fists, hearts, veins, pens,
ink, lions, roars, ghosts, ropes, unending
stories, cliffhangers, cliffs, sobrieties, alcohol, judgments,
the book of judgments, God, offices, desks, boards, rocking
chairs, boats, someplaces, feelings, frowns, taste,
mangoes, starch, constellations,
mess, friends, family, dead
people, news, headline, lines
from songs, chapels, magazines, fear,
alone, loneliness, happiness, days
without sun, patches of silence,
silence, souls, you, weaknesses

ISANG(DAANG) MALAKING HUH?

Sa wakas! Natapos ko na rin itong side-project ko. Sabi nga nila, tsek dizz awt!

Tungkol sa proyekto:

Kapag nag-uusap ang dalawang tao, malamang may konteksto silang pinagsasaluhan kaya sila nagkakaintindihan, di ba? Kaya naman kapag halimbawa nakiki-epal ka lang at nakikinig sa usapan nang may usapan, minsan may mga pahayag na hindi ka maiintindihan. Minsan, bukod sa hindi mo ito maintindihan, weird lang siya talaga, sobra.

Ang “Isang(daang) Malaking Huh?” ay isang exercise sa pagbibigay ng pahayag na hindi maaari (sige na nga, mahirap) ikahon sa mga pangkaraniwang konteksto. Layunin ng proyekto na makiliti ang utak na mag-isip ng mga konteksto kung saan maaaring magamit ang mga pahayag na nandito. Ikaw, try mo siyang i-use in a situation.

Or, kung gusto mong malaman ang totoo, wala lang akong magawa. Bilang Facebook status messages nagsimula ang mga ‘to. Seryoso naman ‘yung mga nakasulat sa taas. Pero na-cool-an lang talaga ako kaya siya naging ‘proyekto’.

Enjoy!

ISANG(DAANG) MALAKING HUH?

1. bakit ka nakangiti tuwing may humahabol sa 'yo? huh?

2. nakakatuwa kang panooring nagtatago. huh?

3. alam mo, pede naman akong unan e, pero kumot? huh?

4. para kang cornick, at hindi sa magandang paraan. huh?

5. bulong sabay singhot. huh?

6. wag ka magpanic, pupunta lang ako ng cr. huh?

7. halika rito. hindi nga, halika. huh?

8. sige, pero kapag pumikit ka ayawan na. huh?

9. kung hindi mo 'ko mamimis, 'wag kang aalis. huh?

10. ilarawan mo ako sa pamamagitan ng isang halakhak. huh?

11. masaya ka ba o malamig lang talaga? huh?

12. hindi ka kasi puwedeng dumighay nang nakangiti. huh?

13. pano ka napatid nang nakaupo? huh?

14. magtatanggal lang ako ng tsinelas, di mo kailangang pumikit. huh?

15. isang kabig, isang buka. huh?

16. halik sabay hatsing. huh?

17. kung susunod ka, hindi na lang ako aalis. huh?

18. tumalikod ka muna, inaantok ako. huh?

19. bakit ba gusto mo sa ilalim ng kama tayo mag-usap? huh?

20. tagalugin mo na lang: hahalukayin kita. huh?

21. sa lahat ng kasinungalingan, ikaw 'yung pinakamaalat. huh?

22. may pupulutin lang ako, 'wag ka maglalaway. huh?

23. bubuhatin lang kita kung magdadamit ka. huh?

24. kapag sinabi kong ayoko ibig sabihin hindi ako puwede. huh?

25. bakit naman kasi magsisipilyo lang e nagpapabango pa? huh?

26. puwede ba, masakit ang ulo ko ngayon, huwag kang lumunok. huh?

27. alam kong nagugutom ka, pero huwag naman yung hita ko. huh?

28. nagsasabi ako ng totoo, ibaba mo na 'yang nailcutter. huh?

29. lusot na dapat tayo e, kinilig ka lang kasi. huh?

30. hindi kita iiwan, itago mo na 'yang glue. huh?

31. kung gusto mo ng kiss, huwag kang pangawa-ngawa diyan. huh?

32. wait, nagpipiko tayo, ba't mo ko tinataya? huh?

33. magkita naman tayo ng mata sa ilong. huh?

34. ang plano: tatango ako tapos giginawin ka. huh?

35. buhok ba yan o pilikmata? huh?

36. ano ka ba tulog o umaatsing? huh?

37. kapag tinanggal mo 'yung sapatos ko, uuwi na 'ko. huh?

38. huwag mo akong daanin sa pacute, nadadaan ako e. huh?

39. okay lang, tumalon ka, tatalon din ako. e kung lumipad ako, pa'no na? huh?

40. magbibigay ka kasi ng babala bago ka maglugay. huh?

41. sorry, body painting ba? kala ko finger painting. huh?

42. kung nakikita mo 'yung naiisip ko, sisinga ka. huh?

43. bago ka pumikit, puwedeng dumighay ka muna? huh?

44. teka, nakahawak ka pa sa pisngi ko e, huwag ka munang humatsing. huh?

45. sisimulan kita sa tingin at tatapusin sa kunot ng noo. huh?

46. ang plano, hahalikan mo 'yung palad mo tapos aakalain nilang hostage kita, okay? huh?

47. sige, kapag sumilip ka, mapapapikit ka uli. huh?

48. kahit magpalit ka pa ng shampoo, maiisip mo pa rin ako. huh?

49. ang plano, yayakapin kita tapos kikindatan mo siya, okey? huh?

50. kapag nagtatago ako, hindi habulan yung nilalaro natin, ok? huh?

51. huwag ka matakot, hindi pa 'yan 'yun. huh?

52. magkakaalaman 'to kapag nagpikitan na tayo. huh?

53. huwag mo 'kong gayahin, magkaiba 'yung korte ng kuko natin. huh?

54. kapag nabuking tayo, braso lang ipapakita ko a. huh?

55. ilang beses ko bang sasabihin, hindi ako pulbo! huh?

56. o, bakit ka humatsing e nakalabas pa 'yung dila mo? huh?

57. para patas, sa 'kin naman 'yung pisngi mo. huh?

58. kapag nahuli pa kitang nakahawak sa labi mo, magpapalit na 'ko ng pantalon. huh?

59. ayusin mo kasi 'yung pagkakaupo mo para di mo 'ko maisip. huh?

60. ikaw kasi, sabi ko namang mulat muna bago halik e. huh?

61. kung hindi ako titingin, lalapit ka ba? huh?

62. kapag hindi mo tinigil yan kikindat na 'ko. huh?

63. Pahingi ng isang hibla ng buhok, may susukatin lang ako. Huh?

64. kaya kitang pangitiin, bigyan mo lang ako ng baso. huh?

65. kung ayaw mong mabasa, huwag kang haharap. huh?

66. mga tatlong hakbang na lang, mamimiss mo na 'ko. huh?

67. ngiti sabay takip ng tenga. huh?

68. sige, pero kapag nagustuhan mo, tigil na. huh?

69. papunta pa lang ako, pabalik ka na. yan tuloy tinatamad na 'ko. huh?

70. kung lalapit ka na rin lang sa 'kin, itodo mo na. huh?

71. hindi kita matatalo kung mananalo ka. huh?

72. may ibubulong ako sa 'yo pero huwag ka pipikit a. huh?

73. sige, subukan mo. 'wag mo ko sisisihin pag nagustuhan mo. huh?

74. bakit, kung bagay ba tayo e tayo na? huh?

75. hindi naman sa ayaw kita, hindi lang kita gusto. huh?

76. ganito na lang, kapag tulog ka na, saka na lang kita kakausapin. ok ba 'yun? huh?

77. bukas na lang, ayoko ng sarado e. huh?

78. kung matutulog ka rin lang, e di pumikit ka na rin. huh?

79. sige ka, matutulog ako. huh?

80. kung ayaw mong gumising, magpatulog ka! huh?

81. kung alam mo, good. kung hindi, better. huh?

82. pahabaan na lang ng pilikmata. huh?

83. halika nga dito, masakit ulo ko e. huh?

84. ano'ng maganda do'n, e labas 'yung buhok? huh?

85. hindi kita maintindihan, bakit ka nakapikit? huh?

86. sorry na, hindi ko naman alam na may kakambal ka pala e. huh?

87. sige, pagbibigyan kita, sayaw. huh?

88. kung nawawala ka, at wala kang suot, good luck na lang. huh?

89. sa tingin ko, mabango. huh?

90. kapag may isinuksok, may nakabukol. huh?

91. ano ba 'yang kendi mo, lasang asin. huh?

92. ang hindi marunong lumingon sa pinanggalingan, walang leeg. huh?

93. i'm crazy for you. touch me once, twice, and three times too. huh?

94. kung hindi ka lang maganda, inahitan na kita! huh?

95. kapag binato ka ng bato, wala na silang bala. huh?

96. pag hindi mo 'ko tinigilan, matitigilan ako! huh?

97. kung di lang ako gutom malamang kumain na ako. huh?

98. kung ayaw mong magpatulog, matulog ka! huh?

99. ang problema lang naman talaga sa work e 'yung ginagawa mo. huh?

100. lumayas ka na! isama mo na rin ako! huh?

Tumitingin-tingin ako sa mga lumang files ko at biglang

Naisip kong gawan na lang siya ng liham, tulad ng dati, kumuha ng papel mula sa kaniyang nowtbuk at isulat doon ang lahat-lahat ng gusto kong sabihin. Ngunit naisip kong hindi na maaaring ganoon. Papunta na kami sa tunay na buhay at pambata na ang pagsusulat ng mga liham, o panteleserye. Parang kotseng nawalan ng preno ang aming pagtanda at naisip kong sana malimot niyang muli ang aking pangalan. Para kausapin niya ako, kahit para lang magtanong, para lang mag-usisa, para lang magpakilala.


Gusto kong makausap ulit 'yung dating ako.

Birthday

I am looking outside a window to another
building with other windows looking out,
gaping at the gap. I just turned 21 today
and the first thought I had this morning was that
I was 21 and I haven't punched anyone in the face.
Nor have I ever been punched in the face.
You must understand: I am not a violent man.
Some people would think that I just became a man
today. I would think of punching them
and measuring the gap between this window
and the window in the other building in fists thrown
before they (or I) back down against one.
Again, I am not a violent man. But sometimes
I feel like I'm falling from the 23rd floor (I am
on the 15th and how many floors does this building
have again? I cannot remember). And I might
die without having my face rearranged
by anger or jealousy or simple animalistic rage.
Or I wouldn't be so high as to have a nosebleed
in perfect cold. On my way to the office I saw death
pull out the insides of cats and frogs and the other
animals who were spared from the same fate
were boringly walking past, not conscious
that they had those insides inside them too.
I felt like vomiting. I closed my eyes and opened
the door to that room in my head that held flowers.
Hundreds of flowers. I thought I could die
right now and I do not want to look at flowers.
I know of beauty. I am 21 and I have enough pictures
to prove that I am, was, can be happy.
I have a playlist in my iPod full of happy songs.
My girlfriend says I love you every morning.
But now I am 21 and I am conscious of the gap
and someone please punch me and break
through that room in my head. Let me see
the things I have been missing. I have loved.
Come here. Give me a good reason to fight.

Jason Bateman is a Soldier Being Shot At.
Joe Atkins

The need to affirm what we are emits from every movement.
I watch the television, include you in my daily life.
I am the reflection of a war, on a warring civilization,
Writing poetry. I am not a marble maker.
It is important to know what we are not.
The process of negation becomes growth.
I am the bird bone feeling of a summer Thursday night.
Drinking alone, which is cliche, lonely drinking the night.
What issues are there behind this, intention?
Am I stabbing my premature thoughts into the keypad,
Blinding myself with the glowing light without purpose?
How can any movie end with Jamie Foxx saying,
“I told her we were gonna kill em all”?
I watch the fans spin forward then quickly backward
& feel like Yeats, except my wife doesn’t tell me stories
From the perspective of a Roman. She tells me
Other stories from her family, about drugs & abuse
& redemption. I feel wht suburban because of this.
I am wht suburban because of this. I am the restless.
I am the satiated. I am the spilled drink staining into the floor.
But no matter how Downey I put this,
It comes out the same, like making it rain.
I am the carnage lulling you to sleep,
Which means I am not the dry heave waking you
From the dream where you have a friend to drink with.